Rani’s Blog

Dear Rani,
Time Flies, huh? I’m 25 years old and could still use that clock to get out of bed. Usually I don’t like smart chicks but you seem alright. I’m the guy from Winnipeg that ordered a dozen Cheezehead hats.
Joe

Hate to break it to you Joe, but smart is the new sexy. I understand wearing a cheese hat can block the cool waves to your brain and make it hard to catch all the buzz on what’s what, but ask your Mother, she’ll tell you. Smart is the new sexy, and I’m working it for all it’s worth. I’ve had five offers for my Time Flies clock, but since I thought of it on company time, they might own it. (Note to self: Get lawyer.) I do remember you Joe, and thought it very sweet that you bought a cheese hat for every one of your football buddies. I can really picture you and your buds all together, a sea of cheese hunks leaping to your feet with every goal, in a big tidal wave of yellow. Cheese chunks slumping back down with every fumble. Next time, try ordering the matching cheese mitt, then you can give it up to the sky for a win without having to jump up and down so much. Like I said, smart is the new sexy. Well, phone’s ringing, gotta go. Thanks for writing, Joe from Winnipeg.

“Jeet?” Mr. Toad asks me. “What?” I say. He laughs and says slower: “Did you eat?” I think, then Zing! I am hit with a revelation. Didjaeat. Dijaeet. Jeet. He was cooking words! That moment was the inspiration for me, Rani, a seemingly ordinary call center phone worker, to reveal my secret self with this blog. I want to cook words. Our boss Mr. Toad is teaching us “word reductions” so that we can sound more American selling our wonderful products to Americans. Asha, who I think Boss Toad has his eye on more than me, is resisting. She is saying we should be honest. But I understand Boss Toad, he is just trying to be global. But he’s also sneaky. He says things like “kitschy and schmuck and tacky and redneck” and I’m the only one that’s figured out these are little lowball insults. Ha. Something for me to tuck away and use for my desired promotion. Because I am going places. I am cooking with words.

Another thing, I have ideas for some new products. I’m thinking of calling this one: “Catch Me Awake.” It’s a flying alarm clock shaped like a cricket ball. A soft ball that flies around the room playing music, so that even the laziest sleepyhead of a kid is inspired to chase after it. It gets his butt out of bed and off to school. Inside the ball is a tiny motor and clock alarm. The ball will be bright, pink and blue, and I will write things on them like: “Go Red Socks!” Or “Time Flies!” I’m gunning for promotion here. What do you think, would you buy a Catch Me Awake curve ball? Should I suggest this new product to Boss Toad?

Next blog, I’m going to write about how I prepared for my line when Mr. Toad was using American movies to help us with our accents. Mine was: “You know how to whistle. Just put your lips together and blow.” Did you like how I said it? Would you like to know what I did to get it right?